Nancy Lee Gulbrandsen | Updates

40 Years Apart, Same Old Drama: Why The Bachelorette's 25-Year-Olds and 65-Year-Olds Are Basically Twins.

Nancy Lee Gulbrandsen — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 13:49:45 -0400

40 Years Apart, Same Old Drama: Why The Bachelorette's 25-Year-Olds and 65-Year-Olds Are Basically Twins.

I've watched the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise for years, not religiously, but certainly enough to recognize the recurring archetypes that appear like clockwork every season. When they introduced The Golden Bachelor and Golden Bachelorette, I expected something different. Surely four decades of life experience, multiple marriages, grown children, and actual wisdom would create an entirely different dynamic, right? Wrong. What I discovered instead was both hilarious and oddly profound: the same personality types emerge regardless of age. Whether she's 25 or 65, put a woman in competition for one man's attention, and human nature reveals itself in remarkably predictable patterns. As someone who wrote an entire satirical book (Swipe Left) decoding men's dating profiles, I couldn't resist applying the same lens to women on reality TV. Below are the seven archetypes I've observed across generations, because apparently, we're all just living the same reality show on repeat, just with bifocals and wrinkle cream.

Eager Beaver Elise, aka Villainous Veronica:

At 25, she's straddling him on the first night, whispering in his ear while the other women watch in horror. At 65, she's still weaponizing her sexuality, pulling him aside for a "private tour" of the hot tub, making strategic wardrobe choices, and reminding everyone she's "still got it."

She knows exactly what she's doing and makes no apologies. While everyone else is playing checkers with their "genuine connections," Veronica is playing chess with her lingerie. The other women clutch their pearls and call her "calculated" and "aggressive." She calls it "taking initiative."

Her signature move? Interrupting other women's time with zero shame, often with a breathy "Can I steal him for a second?" that's not really a question. She's the reason phrases like "not here to make friends" and "I know what I want" became reality TV mantras.

The bachelor is simultaneously terrified and intrigued. The other women have emergency meetings about her. She gets the villain edit but also plenty of screen time, which, let's be honest, is exactly what she wanted all along.

Emotionally Mature Emily, aka Drama Free Donna:

At 25, she's the one having actual conversations while everyone else is playing games. At 65, she's asking thoughtful questions about his values and life goals, while others are still figuring out how to get camera time.

She doesn't interrupt, and somehow stays above the drama despite living in a house full of it. She communicates clearly, sets healthy boundaries, and actually listens when he talks instead of just waiting for her turn to trauma dump.

The other women love her because she's genuinely kind. The bachelor lights up around her because talking to her feels easy, like a breath of fresh air after drowning in manufactured moments. Their connection seems real, natural, and frankly, too good for reality TV.

She makes it to week 7 or 8, has a beautiful, authentic relationship... and then gets sent home because she's "too perfect" or there's "not enough spark" (or drama). Meanwhile, Eager Beaver Elise is still around, making out in hot tubs.

Anxiously Attached Angie, aka Crying Crystal:

At 25, she's sobbing in the confessional by episode two because he smiled at another woman during the cocktail party. At 65, she's tearfully pulling him aside because she "felt a disconnect" when he didn't make eye contact during the group date toast.

Every rose ceremony is an emotional crisis. Every lack of one-on-one time means he's "pulling away." She interprets his yawn as rejection and his laugh with someone else as betrayal. The other women know her cry face better than her actual face.

She needs constant reassurance, but the more she asks, “Where's your head at?" the more exhausted he becomes. Her emotional availability somehow morphs into emotional overwhelming. She mistakes intensity for intimacy and thinks that if she cries enough, he'll see how much she cares.

The producers love her because she delivers tears on demand. The therapists watching at home want to mail her a workbook on secure attachment. She always says, "I'm falling for you," way too early, and is genuinely shocked when it scares him off.

High Maintenance Helene, aka Duck Lips Diane:

At 25, she's reapplying lipstick between every conversation and won't go in the pool because of her extensions. At 65, she's had "a little work done" (A LOT of work done) and isn't shy about her skincare routine that costs more than most people's rent.

She shows up late to a beach date in full glam with stilettos. She complains about the mansion accommodations like she's reviewing a two-star hotel. Every group activity is an inconvenience because it might smudge her makeup or mess up her hair.

She takes 47 takes to get the perfect selfie and poses for the cameras more than she engages with the bachelor. When he suggests a hiking date, she looks personally offended. Her idea of "getting real" is admitting she uses two different face serums.

The other women are exhausted just watching her get ready. The bachelor realizes that while she looks fantastic in photos, the maintenance level required for an actual relationship might necessitate a part-time job just managing her calendar of appointments.

Friendly Felicia, aka Congeniality Connie:

At 25, she's the one braiding everyone's hair before the rose ceremony and lending out her jewelry. At 65, she's organizing game nights in the mansion and making sure the new arrivals feel welcome with a glass of wine and a pep talk.

She remembers everyone's birthday, mediates conflicts, and genuinely celebrates when other women get one-on-one dates. The house would fall apart without her emotional labor holding it together. She's got tissues, breath mints, and words of encouragement on standby at all times.

The other women adore her. She'll definitely be invited to all their weddings. The bachelor thinks she's "so sweet" and "such a great person," which is precisely the problem. She's friend-zoned herself into oblivion by being everyone's therapist, cheerleader, and den mother.

Trauma Dump Trish aka TMI Tammy:

At 25, she's unloading her entire therapeutic history in the first conversation. Dead parent? Check. Toxic ex? Check. That time her goldfish died in third grade? Also relevant, apparently. At 65, she's got four decades more material, three divorces, estranged kids, a bankruptcy, and that one time her neighbor poisoned her garden gnome.

But she doesn't stop at trauma. Oh no. She also shares details that should stay in the group chat (or better yet, never be spoken aloud). Whether it's her digestive issues, sexual exploits, her ex's bedroom habits, her bunion surgery, or that weird rash she had last summer, no topic is off limits. The cameras are rolling, Tammy!

She mistakes oversharing for vulnerability and thinks that dumping her entire emotional baggage claim on night one equals "being real." The bachelor signed up for romance, not to be her unpaid therapist. By minute twelve, he's got that glazed look of someone who's heard way too much, way too soon.

The other women avoid her at cocktail parties because they know once she starts, there's no escape. She's the human version of "reply all" on an email chain.

Balanced Barb, aka Final Rose Faith:

At 25, she's got just enough vulnerability to seem real but not so much that she's exhausting. At 65, she's confident but not threatening, playful but not juvenile, and somehow navigates every emotional landmine with grace.

She cried exactly twice, once at a genuinely touching moment, and once when she thought she might go home (but not in a Crying Crystal way). She had one minor conflict with Villainous Veronica but handled it maturely, which made her look even better. She's attractive but relatable, ambitious but not intimidating.

Faith threaded the impossible needle: interesting enough for screen time, stable enough for a real relationship, and just dramatic enough to keep viewers invested without scaring him off. She gave him space when he needed it, but showed up when it mattered. She befriended the right people, avoided the major drama, and had precisely the right amount of "walls" to break down.

The bachelor proposes. America approves. Her Instagram follower count explodes, but not in an OnlyFans Felicia way; she's "authentic" about it. They'll break up in 18 months, but for now, she's got the ring, the brand deals, and the fairytale ending.

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Setting Boundaries Without Guilt: Why "No" Is A Complete Sentence

Nancy Lee Gulbrandsen — Fri, 03 Oct 2025 17:10:45 -0400

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt: A Dating Guide

Why "No" Is a Complete Sentence (Even Though Nobody Taught Us That)

Somewhere along the way, many women learned that setting boundaries can make us appear difficult, demanding, or high-maintenance. We were taught that being accommodating, flexible, and understanding is what makes us good partners. And somehow, we internalized the message that our needs should come with an apology attached.

Let's unlearn that garbage right now.

Setting boundaries in dating isn't selfish; it's essential. And the guilt you feel when enforcing them? That's not your intuition telling you you're wrong. That's conditioning telling you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable.

What Boundaries Actually Are

Boundaries aren't ultimatums, punishments, or tests. They're simply the limits you set to protect your time, energy, emotional well-being, and values. They're the difference between what you're willing to accept and what crosses the line into disrespect.

In dating, boundaries might look like:

"I don't respond to texts after 10 PM on weeknights."
"I need consistent communication, not sporadic check-ins"
"I'm not interested in casual dating; I'm looking for a relationship."
"I don't discuss my past relationships on first dates."
"I won't tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully."

Notice none of these are unreasonable. They're basic standards for how you want to be treated. Yet many women feel guilty even thinking them, let alone saying them out loud.

Why We Feel Guilty About Boundaries

The guilt around boundaries usually comes from a few sources:

We were taught to prioritize others' comfort over our own. Being accommodating became so ingrained that asserting our needs feels selfish.

We fear being labeled "difficult." There's still a pervasive idea that women should be easygoing and flexible. Having standards is somehow seen as being high maintenance.

We've been punished for boundaries before. Maybe you set a boundary and someone called you dramatic, controlling, or too sensitive. So you learned to just... not have any.

We confuse boundaries with being mean. Setting a limit feels aggressive when you've spent your life being a people-pleaser. But there's a massive difference between being unkind and being clear about your expectations.

The People Who Respect You Won't Make You Feel Guilty

Here's the easiest way to tell if your boundary is reasonable: notice how the other person responds.

Someone who respects you will say "I understand," or "That makes sense," or even just "Okay, thanks for letting me know." They might ask clarifying questions, but they won't try to negotiate, guilt-trip, or convince you that your boundary is unreasonable.

Someone who doesn't respect you will:

Tell you you're overreacting
Make you feel bad for having needs
Try to argue you out of your boundary
Accuse you of being difficult or dramatic
Ignore your boundary and test whether you'll enforce it

If setting a boundary causes someone to call you names, withdraw affection, or paint you as the problem? Congratulations! Your boundary just did its job by revealing who they really are.

Common Dating Boundaries (That You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About)

Time boundaries: "I need plans made in advance, not last-minute 'what are you doing tonight' texts."

Communication boundaries: "I'm not comfortable with daily phone calls until we've met in person."

Physical boundaries: "I'm not ready to be physically intimate yet, and I need you to respect that timeline."

Emotional boundaries: "I'm not going to be your therapist or fix your problems, I'm looking for a partner, not a project."

Respect boundaries: "If you speak to me that way again, this conversation is over."

None of these makes you demanding. They make you someone who knows what they want and won't settle for less.

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Be direct. Don't apologize, over-explain, or soften your boundary with qualifiers like "I'm sorry, but..." or "This might sound crazy, but..." State what you need clearly and confidently.

Don't negotiate your own boundaries. If someone pushes back, you don't need to defend or justify yourself. "That's just what works for me" is a complete explanation.

Enforce consequences. A boundary without consequences is just a suggestion. If someone repeatedly crosses your boundary, you need to follow through, whether that means ending the conversation, blocking them, or walking away entirely.

Remember that their reaction isn't your responsibility. If someone gets upset about your boundary, that's information about them, not about you. You're not responsible for managing their emotions.

Practice with small boundaries first. If setting major boundaries feels overwhelming, start smaller. "I prefer to text rather than talk on the phone," or "I don't like when people are late, can we agree on a time and stick to it?"

The Guilt Will Fade (Eventually)

The first few times you set a boundary, you might feel terrible. Your brain will tell you you're being unreasonable. You'll second-guess yourself. You might even apologize and backtrack.

That's normal. You're unlearning years of conditioning that taught you your needs don't matter as much as keeping the peace.

But here's what happens when you keep setting boundaries anyway: you start attracting people who respect them. You stop wasting time on people who don't. And eventually, the guilt fades because you realize that enforcing boundaries didn't make you difficult; it made you unavailable to people who couldn't treat you well.

The Bottom Line

Setting boundaries without guilt is one of the most powerful things you can do for your dating life and your mental health. It filters out people who see your needs as negotiable. It protects your time and energy. And it sends a clear message that you know your worth.

The right person won't make you feel guilty for having standards. They'll appreciate that you know what you want and respect yourself enough to ask for it.

And anyone who makes you feel bad for setting boundaries? They just told you everything you need to know about how they'd treat you in a relationship.

So set the boundary. Feel the guilt. Do it anyway. Your future self will thank you.

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Let's Talk About Narcissists and Their Flying Monkeys

Nancy Lee Gulbrandsen — Fri, 03 Oct 2025 11:54:40 -0400

Let's Talk About Narcissists and Their Flying Monkeys

Because Misery Loves Company (and Apparently Recruits an Army)

If you've ever wondered where the term "flying monkey" comes from, let me take you back to 1939 and The Wizard of Oz. Remember those creepy winged creatures doing the Wicked Witch's bidding? Yeah, those. They didn't have their own beef with Dorothy; they were just following orders from their toxic boss. Sound familiar?

Fast forward to modern psychology, and "flying monkeys" describes the people narcissists recruit to do their dirty work. These are the friends, family members, co-workers, or casual acquaintances who've been convinced that the narcissist is actually the victim in every situation. Guess what? They're not.

We All Know One (Unfortunately)

Let's be honest—we've all encountered a narcissist. Maybe it's your charming co-worker who takes credit for everyone's ideas. Perhaps it's the family member who turns every holiday into their personal drama showcase. Or maybe it's Narcissistic Nick from the dating app who love-bombed you for two weeks, then ghosted when you asked for basic respect.

Whether you live with them, work alongside them, date them, or accidentally match with them on Tinder, narcissists are everywhere. They're like glitter; once they're in your life, you'll be finding traces of their chaos for months.

The Toxic Talent: Playing the Victim

Here's where narcissists really shine: convincing everyone else that they're the ones being wronged. Got caught lying? They were "protecting your feelings." Called out their manipulation? You're "too sensitive." Set a boundary? You're "punishing them."

And somehow, somehow, they manage to recruit an audience who believes every word. Enter the flying monkeys.

The Instant Victim Transformation

Had a falling out with a co-worker, friend, or family member who actually created the problem? You can count on it that they are already working on setting themselves up as the victim. By the time you've processed what happened, they have already contacted five people with their version of events, the one where they did nothing wrong, and you're unreasonable, cruel, or crazy.

This is the narcissist's superpower: rewriting history at lightning speed. What you experienced as manipulation, boundary-crossing, or outright lies becomes "a misunderstanding" where they're the wounded party. And before you know it, their flying monkeys are circling, asking why you're being so harsh or suggesting you "just apologize to keep the peace."

Spotting the Flying Monkeys

Flying monkeys come in various flavors:

The Messenger: Constantly relaying what the narcissist said about you, usually prefaced with "I'm just trying to help" or "They're really hurt, you know."

The Defender: Shows up in your mentions/DMs/group chats to explain why you're wrong about the narcissist. "You just don't understand them like I do!"

The Guilt Tripper: Makes you feel bad for protecting yourself. "Can't you just be the bigger person?" Translation: "Can't you just let them keep mistreating you?"

The Recruiter: Attempts to persuade others to take the narcissist's side. Because if enough people believe the story, it must be true, right?

The tricky part? Flying monkeys often have good intentions. They genuinely believe they're helping resolve conflict or supporting a friend in need. They don't realize they've been handed a script written by someone who rewrites history for a living.

Why This Matters (Especially in Dating)

Understanding narcissists and their flying monkeys isn't just about labeling people; it's about recognizing patterns that protect your mental health and sanity.

When you're dating, a narcissist's flying monkeys might show up as:

The ex who's "just checking in" on behalf of your new partner
Mutual friends who suddenly have opinions about your relationship
People who show up to defend behavior you know was wrong

If you find yourself constantly defending your reality to other people, or if your partner's friends and family seem unusually invested in your relationship dynamics, pay attention. That's not a normal concern; that's a coordinated campaign.

The Bottom Line

Learning to recognize both narcissists and their flying monkeys is an essential survival skill. Not everyone who disagrees with you is a flying monkey, and not every difficult person is a narcissist. But when you spot the pattern, the victim narrative, the recruited audience, the gaslighting chorus, trust yourself.

Your reality is valid even when a narcissist and their entire supporting cast say otherwise.

And if you're currently dealing with this dynamic? Remember: you can't reason with someone who's committed to misunderstanding you. Save your energy, set your boundaries, and maybe swipe left on anyone whose ex is still "just a friend" who texts daily to "check on them."

Because sometimes the best relationships are the ones with four legs and unconditional love. Just saying.

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Audit Your Circle Before You Swipe Right: Why Your Toxic Friends Are Ruining Your Love Life

Nancy Lee Gulbrandsen — Thu, 8 Jan 2026 00:00:00 +0000

It's a new year, and your resolution list probably looks something like mine used to: lose a few pounds, exercise more, and finally organize that junk drawer, closet, or garage that's been haunting you since 2019.

But here's a resolution you won't find on anyone's list, and it's the one that would actually improve your dating life, your mental health, AND save you a fortune in therapy bills:

Audit your circle.

That's right. Before you swipe right on another "entrepreneur" whose business model involves essential oils and aggressive Instagram DMs, take a good, hard look at the people already in your life. Because here's the uncomfortable truth nobody talks about:

If toxicity is your daily norm, you'll attract it in your dating life too.

Want to learn more about spotting red flags in dating AND in life? Grab your copy of Swipe Left: The Savvy Woman's Guide to Decoding Men's Dating Profiles and start your journey to better boundaries, higher standards, and way less bullshit.
Get your copy on Amazon

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