Because Misery Loves Company (and Apparently Recruits an Army)

If you've ever wondered where the term "flying monkey" comes from, let me take you back to 1939 and The Wizard of Oz. Remember those creepy winged creatures doing the Wicked Witch's bidding? Yeah, those. They didn't have their own beef with Dorothy; they were just following orders from their toxic boss. Sound familiar?

Fast forward to modern psychology, and "flying monkeys" describes the people narcissists recruit to do their dirty work. These are the friends, family members, co-workers, or casual acquaintances who've been convinced that the narcissist is actually the victim in every situation. Guess what? They're not.

We All Know One (Unfortunately)

Let's be honest—we've all encountered a narcissist. Maybe it's your charming co-worker who takes credit for everyone's ideas. Perhaps it's the family member who turns every holiday into their personal drama showcase. Or maybe it's Narcissistic Nick from the dating app who love-bombed you for two weeks, then ghosted when you asked for basic respect.

Whether you live with them, work alongside them, date them, or accidentally match with them on Tinder, narcissists are everywhere. They're like glitter; once they're in your life, you'll be finding traces of their chaos for months.

The Toxic Talent: Playing the Victim

 Here's where narcissists really shine: convincing everyone else that they're the ones being wronged. Got caught lying? They were "protecting your feelings." Called out their manipulation? You're "too sensitive." Set a boundary? You're "punishing them."

And somehow, somehow, they manage to recruit an audience who believes every word. Enter the flying monkeys.

The Instant Victim Transformation

Had a falling out with a co-worker, friend, or family member who actually created the problem? You can count on it that they are already working on setting themselves up as the victim. By the time you've processed what happened, they have already contacted five people with their version of events, the one where they did nothing wrong, and you're unreasonable, cruel, or crazy.

This is the narcissist's superpower: rewriting history at lightning speed. What you experienced as manipulation, boundary-crossing, or outright lies becomes "a misunderstanding" where they're the wounded party. And before you know it, their flying monkeys are circling, asking why you're being so harsh or suggesting you "just apologize to keep the peace."

Spotting the Flying Monkeys

Flying monkeys come in various flavors:

The Messenger: Constantly relaying what the narcissist said about you, usually prefaced with "I'm just trying to help" or "They're really hurt, you know."

The Defender: Shows up in your mentions/DMs/group chats to explain why you're wrong about the narcissist. "You just don't understand them like I do!"

The Guilt Tripper: Makes you feel bad for protecting yourself. "Can't you just be the bigger person?" Translation: "Can't you just let them keep mistreating you?"

The Recruiter: Attempts to persuade others to take the narcissist's side. Because if enough people believe the story, it must be true, right?

The tricky part? Flying monkeys often have good intentions. They genuinely believe they're helping resolve conflict or supporting a friend in need. They don't realize they've been handed a script written by someone who rewrites history for a living.

Why This Matters (Especially in Dating)

Understanding narcissists and their flying monkeys isn't just about labeling people; it's about recognizing patterns that protect your mental health and sanity.

When you're dating, a narcissist's flying monkeys might show up as:

• The ex who's "just checking in" on behalf of your new partner
• Mutual friends who suddenly have opinions about your relationship
• People who show up to defend behavior you know was wrong

If you find yourself constantly defending your reality to other people, or if your partner's friends and family seem unusually invested in your relationship dynamics, pay attention. That's not a normal concern; that's a coordinated campaign.

The Bottom Line

Learning to recognize both narcissists and their flying monkeys is an essential survival skill. Not everyone who disagrees with you is a flying monkey, and not every difficult person is a narcissist. But when you spot the pattern, the victim narrative, the recruited audience, the gaslighting chorus, trust yourself.

Your reality is valid even when a narcissist and their entire supporting cast say otherwise.

And if you're currently dealing with this dynamic? Remember: you can't reason with someone who's committed to misunderstanding you. Save your energy, set your boundaries, and maybe swipe left on anyone whose ex is still "just a friend" who texts daily to "check on them."

Because sometimes the best relationships are the ones with four legs and unconditional love. Just saying.